Coming out of my shell

I am gender fluid (I like transfluid, but when you do a search all this stuff about transmission fluid come up.... so, I change it). At 33, there have been periods of my life when I was more obnoxious about it (especially cuz I was a size 12!), but then... well, I allowed myself to be made over into a compromise that became harder and harder to maintain. And so, here I am:

I feel like I occupy two positions... between the binary genders and outside of them, but never really, truly resting... always in motion.

However, I started to realize that part of my social depression stemmed from my living outside which keeps me kinda safe because it is neutral, yeah? But it means never demanding my space, never asking to be seen within my proper contexts. At 33, I am pretty sure I am not going to "grow out of it" and I am certainly not trying to be "difficult" -- I'm being me. No longer even trying to be me, simply. being. me.

Elsewhere and in my journal, I wrote about this and in discussing it was a friend, I did a research project because explaining the wheel is something I am, well, not interested in... not for cisgendered people, not even for myself! Anyway, I came across this.

I am not satisfied that I have to create strategies to make other people feel ok about their gender-boxing that which is not in a box!
I am not satisfied with the idea that I have to accept that people don't know what to do with me or call me when I have the answer.
I am not satisfied with the thoughts in my head about transitioning in order to quell some of the shit... when I know transitioning would only recreate the box I am already residing.
I am not satisfied with the idea of this constant having to explain being something that will accompany me the rest of my life. I want the ease of cisgendered people without being one. And why not?
I am not satisfied with "going slow" or "being quiet"... I want to make tee-shirts with sayings so steeped in truth and pithy that people have to sit down and think about it.

... no one wants me to get really militant about it because that is what's about to happen. People are becoming increasingly accepting of transpeople who ferry from point A to point B... but what about us folks talking about a/b or talking numbers?

*heavy sigh*
  • Current Music
    Lil Wayne - Dr. Carter

"Nobody Passes" book readings!

I co-wrote an essay in this book, Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity, and there are book readings coming up! Check it out...

Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity
Edited by Mattilda, a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore

Tuesday, December 5, 2006
San Francisco Main Library
100 Larkin Street
Latino/Hispanic Community Meeting Room
6 p.m. sharp
Featuring Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz, Kirk Read, Dean Spade, Tommi Avicolli Mecca, Amy André, Dominika Bednarska, Nico Dacumos, Irina Contreras, Jennifer Blowdryer, Logan Gutierrez-Mock, Jen Cross, Amy André and Mattilda a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore

Delicious Reading and Devastating Discussion
City Lights Bookstore
Thursday, December 7, 2006 @7 p.m.
261 Columbus Ave. at Broadway
(415) 362-8193
Featuring Benjamin Shepard, Irina Contreras, Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz, Kirk Read, Nico Dacumos, Jennifer Blowdryer and Mattilda a.k.a. Matt Bernstein Sycamore

From activism to academia, immigration to appropriation to cruising for sex, hip-hop to disability culture to trans communities, Nobody Passes challenges societal mores and countercultural norms, asking, "If we eliminate the pressure to pass, what delicious and devastating opportunities for
transformation might we create?"

“Smart, sassy, and long overdue, this collection of essays by Mattilda and hur badass posse of evil geniuses gleefully demolishes the smug propriety that lurks within most contemporary debates about gender and diversity. What a breath of fresh air!”
—Susan Stryker, transgender activist, historian, and filmmaker

“In this beautiful, surprising collection of essays, Mattilda brings together the smartly told, diverse stories of social refuseniks. The result is a provocative critique of the act of passing, and a lively, challenging, often moving account of the pleasures and pains of not passing. Nobody Passes kicks ass. It will mess you right up.”
—Joshua Gamson, author of The Fabulous Sylvester

“These essays, in all of their militant heterogeneity, with all of their ease and rage at being on margins, chart some of the most important ground on which the desire for a new society is finding expression. They show rebels that we are far from alone in feeling such desire.”
—David Roediger, author of Working Toward Whiteness: How America's Immigrants Became White

“Nobody Passes is a fascinating example of how feminism and gender studies can support radically new identities that develop at the speed of life—or it may be part of the end of identity politics as known so far.”
—Naomi Zack, author of Inclusive Feminism: A Third Wave Theory of Women’s Commonality
  • Current Mood
    excited excited
trent lane, name




An open letter to our communities from “Elliott” (a pseudonym), Kate Loewe, Kathy Ni Keefe (, Samuel Lurie (, and Eli Clare (

We are writing to let our communities know about a recent hate crime that occurred in New Mexico. We are writing to break silence, to create resistance to violence and space for healing, and to build support for the survivor. We are writing in hopes that we can take care of each other, undercut the community-wide fear that comes with hate violence, and work toward justice.

Please note that what follows contains some graphic details, which could be triggering. Also, the survivor is a parent of two children, and this information MUST NOT reach them.

Collapse )

x-posted a good amount (x-post more and feel free to place on your personal journals)

(no subject)

Limit on `gay panic' defense inspired by transgender case is signed by governor

Marking the first law of its kind in the nation, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday signed a bill that limits the use of the so-called ``gay panic'' defense -- legislation inspired by the slaying of a Newark transgender teen.

The ``gay panic'' defense typically arises in cases in which the victim's sexual orientation played a role in the crime. Defendants argue that they did not intentionally kill the victim and that their rage was triggered after learning that the victim was gay or transgender -- meaning they should be punished for a lesser offense, such as manslaughter.

The bill, written by Assemblywoman Sally Lieber, D-Mountain View, states that it is against public policy for a defendant to play upon the bias of the jury, or for a jury to allow bias against the victim to enter into its decision.

``The concept of a `panic defense' is absolutely ludicrous,'' Aejaie Sellers, the executive director of the Billy DeFrank LGBT Community Center, said in a statement. ``No one should be able to use their prejudices and biases as a justification for their criminal actions, and I'm glad California is setting the trend for outlawing this horrific practice.''

The Bay Area men convicted last year in the slaying of Gwen Araujo of Newark said they panicked after learning that the 17-year-old transgender teen -- with whom they had been intimate -- was biologically male.

In addition, the bill revises the current California jury instruction regarding bias, explaining that verdicts cannot be based on bias against the victim, defendant or witnesses.

The bill -- which takes effect Jan. 1 -- also asks the state Office of Emergency Services to incorporate training on the ``gay panic'' strategy into its training for prosecutors, as long as funds are available.

-- Mercury News

(no subject)

Luscious (Ali Forney)
Originally uploaded by trevorbrklyn.
A Life and Death on NYC Streets
Associated Press, August 28, 1999
By Chelsea J. Carter, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK (AP) -- Dion Webster talked loud and laughed louder. He was a prankster, a kid who got things started. But late one cold November night, his laughter ceased. He was found dead on the street, a knife shoved into his head.

Kevin Freeman was a quiet young man, an introvert with bright eyes. Six months after his friend Webster was murdered, Freeman’s body turned up in a park not far away with his skull nearly split in half.

Few mourned these two young men: their fellow street people, some social workers.

These were people passersby ignored; the type police rousted and arrested. They were homeless, addicted to crack cocaine, and stuck in a dead end of life before age 30. Besides, they lived in the hidden realm of the “transgendered,” men believing they should have been born female. They worked the streets.

In a city that boasts its dropping crime rate and safer streets, their murders barely registered. There were no news conferences, no task forces, no public outcry.

“They were dead already to the world. When they were killed, it just made it official,” said Carl Siciliano, a social worker who knew them.

Collapse )
  • Current Music
    Ludwig Van Beethoven - Symphony No.9, Molto Vivace
trent lane, name

March on Washington for the People of Palestine and Lebanon


Defend the People of Palestine and Lebanon

Permits obtained for August 12 emergency national march on the White House!
Hundreds of new endorsers as momentum builds for August 12!
Buses coming to DC from New York, Chicago, and throughout the country!
Simultaneous events planned for San Francisco, Seattle, and Los Angeles!

Read the Call to Action
Please make an urgently needed donation today
Permits have been obtained for Lafayette Park directly in front of the White House for the opening rally of the mass demonstration in Washington DC on August 12. There has been an amazing response to this call for a national emergency action to protest the U.S.-Israeli war against the Palestinian and Lebanese people. The streets around the White House will fill up with a sea of protestors on August 12. Read the call to action for August 12.

Hundreds of organizations from around the country have endorsed and pledged to mobilize for the August 12 demonstration which was initiated by the ANSWER Coalition (Act Now to Stop War & End Racism), the National Council of Arab Americans (NCA) and the Muslim American Society Freedom Foundation. If you would like to endorse the demonstration please click here.

There are downloadable flyers for the August 12 national march that are available. You can download and print out copies of the National (DC) flyer, the New York City flyer, and the San Francisco flyer.

There will be sister demonstrations on August 12 for those on the West Coast who are unable to travel to Washington D.C. The West Coast demonstrations will take place in San Francisco, Los Angeles and Seattle.

The ANSWER Coalition has been working with our partners in the Arab and Muslim community to initiate and organize rapid-response demonstrations around the country since Israel reinvaded Gaza three weeks ago, including three demonstrations at the Israeli embassy in Washington D.C., three demonstrations in New York including today's action at the U.N., actions in San Francisco and Los Angeles where hundreds of people turned out, Chicago, Seattle, and elsewhere.

Nothing is more critical than for the people of the U.S. to join together in a single large massive showing of opposition to the U.S.-backed slaughter of the Palestinian and Lebanese people. Be there on August 12, noon at the White House. Take these actions today:

Organize transportation to come to the August 12 demonstration.
Endorse and get your affiliated organization's endorsement and submit it here
Make an urgently needed donation for this emergency action now
Download flyers and hand them out: National (DC) flyer, New York City flyer, and San Francisco flyer

(no subject)

Male student in dress shut out of prom
Gay Indiana teen who dressed as girl all year considers filing complaint
The Associated Press
Updated: 7:22 p.m. ET May 24, 2006

GARY, Ind. - A male student who has worn women's clothes to school all year was turned away from his high school prom because he was wearing a dress.

Kevin Logan, 18, went to the West Side High School prom on Friday in a slinky fuchsia gown and heels. He believes officials discriminated against him by not allowing him inside.

"I have no formal pictures, no memories, nothing. You only have one prom," he said.

Logan, who is gay, received an $85 refund for his prom ticket Tuesday but was not satisfied. He said he is considering filing a complaint with the American Civil Liberties Union of Indiana.

Sylvester Rowan, assistant to Gary Schools Superintendent Mary Steele, said school policy bans males from wearing dresses. Excluding Logan from the prom was based on "the dress code, not the student's homosexuality. That's his personal preference."

Tyrone Hanley, the youth program coordinator for the Gender Public Advocacy Coalition in Washington, D.C., said he often sees cases like this and called it gender-based discrimination.

"Prohibiting really short skirts for everyone is a fair dress code; prohibiting them for males is not," he said.

Logan said he had spent years defining and exploring his sexuality. This year, he took a major step by dressing as a female every day, wearing makeup, a hair weave, nails and girls' fitted jeans to school.

His mother, Donnetta Logan, said she was not surprised by what she called the ignorance of school administrators.

"I tell Kevin that in society there will be those who accept him and those who won't."

I find this upsetting. They didn't even wear anythign unappropriate. I think wow this easily could of been me...well had I been out in high school. The dress looks decent and they had been dressing as a female all year long but denied entry into the prom. Nothign was even said abuot bringing a date to the prom though there have been many instances of same sex couples denied entry to proms. Though here in colorado we have a gay prom in Denver and Colorado Springs where GLBT youth can go and be themselves but it makes you wonder why is a "gay prom" really needed. It's another form of segregations. Taylor County High School in Geoergia still has segregated proms fro black and white students. A country that speaks about freedom and progress sometimes and things are so backwards some places.