Ergane (kyooverse) wrote in trans_poc,

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Coming out of my shell

I am gender fluid (I like transfluid, but when you do a search all this stuff about transmission fluid come up.... so, I change it). At 33, there have been periods of my life when I was more obnoxious about it (especially cuz I was a size 12!), but then... well, I allowed myself to be made over into a compromise that became harder and harder to maintain. And so, here I am:

I feel like I occupy two positions... between the binary genders and outside of them, but never really, truly resting... always in motion.

However, I started to realize that part of my social depression stemmed from my living outside which keeps me kinda safe because it is neutral, yeah? But it means never demanding my space, never asking to be seen within my proper contexts. At 33, I am pretty sure I am not going to "grow out of it" and I am certainly not trying to be "difficult" -- I'm being me. No longer even trying to be me, simply. being. me.

Elsewhere and in my journal, I wrote about this and in discussing it was a friend, I did a research project because explaining the wheel is something I am, well, not interested in... not for cisgendered people, not even for myself! Anyway, I came across this.

I am not satisfied that I have to create strategies to make other people feel ok about their gender-boxing that which is not in a box!
I am not satisfied with the idea that I have to accept that people don't know what to do with me or call me when I have the answer.
I am not satisfied with the thoughts in my head about transitioning in order to quell some of the shit... when I know transitioning would only recreate the box I am already residing.
I am not satisfied with the idea of this constant having to explain being something that will accompany me the rest of my life. I want the ease of cisgendered people without being one. And why not?
I am not satisfied with "going slow" or "being quiet"... I want to make tee-shirts with sayings so steeped in truth and pithy that people have to sit down and think about it.

... no one wants me to get really militant about it because that is what's about to happen. People are becoming increasingly accepting of transpeople who ferry from point A to point B... but what about us folks talking about a/b or talking numbers?

*heavy sigh*
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